I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
