He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
