What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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