Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
