Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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