why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Green mimosas i think yes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
