I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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