i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
