he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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