the condom got lost in my hair
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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