the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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