What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
