I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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