I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
