My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
