Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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