i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
