Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
