My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
do herpes really smell.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
