Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
