i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
