Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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