Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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