Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
