Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
