i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
