i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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