The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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