I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
