he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
