I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
