Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
