I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
