Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
