I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
