I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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