addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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