In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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