I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
