took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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