no, he came in my armpit
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
