My underwear smells like fireworks.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
