she looked like the before picture.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
