When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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