I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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