just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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