Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
