Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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