Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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