Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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