Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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