Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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